I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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