she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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