uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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