he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I think my fart just growled at me.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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