mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
