just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
