yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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