I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Are my feet made of real feet?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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