before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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