If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
