What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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