He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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