im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
