I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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