Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
foreskin is a definite game changer
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
