i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
