FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
