Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My cat gives me a boner
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
