Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
