Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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