Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
