dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
