i was born a porn star she said
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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