Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
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