I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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