Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
