i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
