we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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