please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
