Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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