i think my mom watched the whole time
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize