I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
