Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
