I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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