Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I want a musical about memes.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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