i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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