I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
