My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize