I skipped work to stalk him.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
