According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
