you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
