dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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