If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
