Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
