What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize