i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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