Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
