$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
