I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
