I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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