So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize