I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
