Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
