My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
