I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
sex in a hospital.. check
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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