he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
