There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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