I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
