Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
