eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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