I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
