Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize