Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Mom said you looked used
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize