when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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