I have demons in me.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
